2021 Homeschool Week 16 | April 19

After last week, I love that I have this example to balance it out. I felt the weight of things again this week. It wasn’t because I deferred last week’s responsibilities and they caught up with me. I did have extra sensory input over the weekend instead of peaceful calm – even then, I came out of it feeling happiness the next day instead of overwhelm. Then this week I had many new steps to take, and I get uneasy about the unknown, as many do, especially neurodivergent because we so often prepare in advance so we don’t get it wrong like we’re used to … I don’t like to be caught off guard when I’m constantly having to translate my natural state to how things around me work differently…

Anyway, I felt constantly behind, avoidant, and I wouldn’t fully let myself relax because there were things that needed to be done even if I wasn’t finding the fortitude I needed in that very moment to do them. I made it through a few uncomfortable days before I started feeling caught up again (and that didn’t last either!). I didn’t panic during those days. I didn’t hate them. I wasn’t miserable. I would have been in the past from expectations and shame I put on myself for not living up to standards of perfectionism attained from compiled judgements trying to please anyone and everyone who may happen to notice. These days, I think I’d be amused to hear a judgement about myself, just to know what others see versus how I feel. 

I could say this week was hard. It was less comfortable. It also brought a huge step forward toward life goals I’ve been passively seeking for years. Now we’re here! 

So I’m feeling discomfort?

I have the awareness that I need time to recover, to catch up, to not take too much on, or at least to not feel there are too many demands. If I take the pressure off and choose the work, I get so much done without feeling like I’ve over-extended myself. I know this now. Trying to follow my perception of everyone else’s expectations kept me in a performance waiting for my ratings from tough critics, and even when it was enough for some, it was never enough for me. I was so unkind to myself, seeking to prove myself to every person on the planet before I could believe I was worthy. 

You’re a part of your homeschool. How you feel matters in this. How you take care of yourself, allow yourself, talk to yourself…it all influences that. It’s all a part of how our kids see us interacting with the world as well, whether they become like us or resist it. 

We got through the week, Myles taking a few Varsity Tutors classes and playing games. Me, having plenty of extra responsibilities to juggle to get in place in a timely manner. We still had babysitting adventures, which meant lots of playing and fun together, too.

If you’d like to see the highlights, go check out our Instagram page. I’ll get back to sharing in more detail here, but for this week, I’m practicing kindness instead of burdening myself with lengthy descriptions when I’m all out of words.  

We also bought our RV this week (yes, the reason for so much extra juggling – insurance, mechanic, bank, schedules, phone tag…none of these autistic-friendly activities).

It’s also pictured on our Instagram, with “before” pictures of the inside coming soon. I can’t wait to clean it up, make it our own, and make plans for travel! The exhaustion will be well worth it, but until then, time to recover!

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